So the one thing I most definately didn't want to lose told me he doesn't think we will work out, tonight. Right now as I am typing this I am cold shaking alone with a ball in my throat just wanting to go all the way back up to Clifton and crawl into bed with James and pretend it didn't happen. But I can't. I am in Fruita realizing the truth that James really did break up with me. Part of me wants to go off to that old cliff I used to hang out at and just take a nose dive. But that would be childish and I would be hated...and not to mention this certainly ISN'T something to DIE over. But just the amount of heart ache I have right now, you can't blame me for at least THINKING of suicide.

I was just starting to get comfortable at Beth's place too. I was ready to live there, save up money, move into a house with James........but I lost him. It was too late before I really realized that I had truly lost him. I never meant to hurt him though. I never meant to be so cruel. If I would have known the way I was treating him meant LOSING him I would have seriously just flipped my life around.

I will be honest and say that I BEGGED James for another chance. I pleaded like a child begging for candy in a grocery store. But each time he said no, he meant it even more. His friend had told him that once he makes his desicion he needed to stick to it and not let it go.

He said he still wants to be friends. I certainly NEVER wanted him outta my life. At this point I think its gonna be really hard to even look at him with out going into a fit of tears. I mean maybe if I miraculously rebounded tomorrow and was happy again I could face James....

Right now I am shaking again. I am really glad I brought the powercord out to the shed with me. Changing everything on Myspace that had James in it took longer then I thought. And my laptop only has about an hour and a half battery life. Tony was talking to me but he logged off all of a sudden so now I am talking to myself....in a blog.....that no one will probably read except an aunt or two and maybe a couple friends.

I am so broken right now. I have NEVER felt pain like this. Not only is it in my heart, its in my whole body. My back is in knots.


REALLY. IF THERE IS A GOD WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

Sorry. Don't get all Christian on me okay? I just wanna know, if there is a guy up there controlling my life, WHEN DOES THE GOOD COME?? PLEASE I AM BEGGING WHOEVER. I just want SOMETHING GOOD to happen. I am tired of the hurt and pain and failure.....



I JUST WANTED MY LIFE BACK.










Someone help me.........